Objectifying the Opposite Sex

Aside from the fact that the ACLU would be all over the producers for violation of rights to privacy, could “Candid Camera” duplicate this stunt these days and have a product that could be shown on broadcast TV?

One of my less bright Commanders sent an agent, even dumber than him, to conduct a passive surveillance of a large vacant lot adjoining the high school.  The allegation was that this vacant lot was a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah, rife with dope dealing, gang activity and possibly human sacrifice. Our intrepid investigator set out in a covert surveillance van equipped with a video camera so that he could document his observations. The target audience was the administrative staff of the high school, police chief, and a city council member.

Slambo gave it his best effort and spent two hours camped out in the van. He returned triumphantly to the office and announced that he “had the goods.” A note about Slambo. He had to be one of the ugliest persons, not in captivity; short, fat, balding with long thinning hair fashioned into a combover where no combover had a right to be. He had a weak to a non-existent chin that people oftentimes overlooked, distracted as they were by the jack-o-lantern green teeth. The only way Slambo could speak in a complete sentence was as if the words were evenly divided between profanity and the object of his thought. If Mel Blanc was asked to come up with the voice of a depraved pervert, what would follow would be Slambo’s voice.

The next day the not too bright Commander and Slambo, video clutched in his sweaty hand, set off for the meeting with the mucky mucks. Once the preliminary meet and greetings were out of the way, the not too bright Commander took center stage and after wrestling the video away from Slambo popped into the machine. The Commander pointed out that the following video was taken at great personal hazard and effort, with an assist from Slambo. And rolling!

The tape started innocently enough. Slambo began a narration, on tape, that oriented the viewer by establishing the location of the high school and middle school bordering the lot. He pointed out the paths that led to and from the schools. The route to the 7-11 and the other to the MacDonalds. He pointed out the park benches were claimed by one clique and bits of turf claimed by others. Then disaster struck, the bell rang at the high school. Soon a steady flow of students can be seen making their way across the vacant lot to captured on tape by Slambo.

Our not too bright Commander should have been forwarned the first time Slambo exclaimed on the tape, “Look at the tits on her!” Slambo was off, what followed was a running commentary on the type of perversions he would like to visit on various coeds, age and race not a factor. It became fairly clear Slambo had no cull factor and an unlimited filthy imagination. The not too bright Commander lunged for the VCR remote, but the Superintendent of Schools beat him to it. The assembled group watched the whole thing. Slambo sat through it all, proud as Fellini.

The not too bright Commander did not get to curry favor with the Police Chief and Superintendent of schools. Slambo pointed out it was just another example of political games undermining good solid police work.