Nomination for Hero Badge

The Case of the Steaming Pile

This isn’t really a shot at the cops. Without knowing anything about the town, I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict the following:

  1. This became the number 1 law enforcement issue in the City. The guys on midnights or days have probably been writing reports on this guy for some time. Then somebody talked.
  2. Once it became common knowledge, catching guy this became a priority. I bet overtime was authorized to catch him.
  3. Just wait for the DNA testing to come back. Collection of evidence was probably suggested as a joke until the administration took it seriously, then the guys on patrol were on turd recovery duty. This may have entailed a four-hour class on how to pick up a turd from the clean end. You don’t want to see the bill.
  4. Concurrent with the turd recovery duty was the turd charting in order to determine if there was a predictable pattern. Extra credit if they dragged the guys from traffic out to use the laser mapping equipment to locate each turd down to the 1/4 inch.
  5. There was added expense in retasking the security cameras at the football field to cover the areas where the suspect was most likely to pinch a loaf.
  6. The State Police or local Narcotics task force supplemented existing CCTV coverage with covert video coverage, monitored at peak times.

The article states that the superintendent was arrested while jogging after dropping a load. I suspect the truth is that he was caught in the squat and handcuffed prior to completing all the steps necessary to complete the act. This required that the cops either wipe his ass or unhandcuff him and allow him to do the paperwork. New-Jersey-superintendent-defecated-on-high-school-football-field-on-daily-basis-cops-say

I estimate that the cost of this investigation, manpower, lab tests, overtime, equipment will exceed $100,000 for three misdemeanor charges of charges of lewdness and public urination/defecation in Holmdel, according to school officials and public records. The lewdness charge is likely a “crime of moral turpitude” and could result in his firing. In my opinion, it is also the weakest, in that lewdness may require some type of sexual gratification.