Replacement for Facial Recognition?

People who decry the surveillance state have something new to worry about. Never mind walking down the street. Stanford University is working on a new and improved toilet. The new version contains three cameras focused on one’s anus. It seems no two assholes are alike. Imagine plopping down on the toilet and hearing a disembodied voice, “George! Good to see you again.”

Stanford University researchers used $6,973,057 in funds from the National Cancer Institute to build a toilet that contains three cameras, including one that can identify the user’s “analprint,” according to the.

 Festivus Report 2020

The concept of an anal print was conceived of by surrealist painter Salvador Dali, who according to Stanford research scientist Seung-min Park discovered that “the anus has 35 or 37 creases, which are as unique as fingerprints.” It is unknown how many anuses he inspected before reaching this conclusion.

This pursuit of anus science is the result of a theory espoused by Salvador Dali. He was more widely known as a surrealist painter. Here are some excerpts from his Wikipedia biography:

Dalí’s sexuality had a profound influence on his work. He stated that as a child he saw a book with graphic illustrations of venereal diseases and this provoked a lifelong disgust of female genitalia and a fear of impotence and sexual intimacy. Dalí frequently stated that his main sexual activity involved voyeurism and masturbation and his preferred sexual orifice was the anus….Dalí was renowned for his eccentric and ostentatious behavior throughout his career….After World War II, Dalí became one of the most recognized artists in the world and his long cape, walking stick, haughty expression, and upturned waxed moustache became icons of his brand. His boastfulness and public declarations of his genius became essential elements of the public Dalí persona: “every morning upon awakening, I experience a supreme pleasure: that of being Salvador Dalí” Dalí frequently traveled with his pet ocelot Babou

I never paid much attention to the art of Salvador Dali. My awareness of him was due, principally to his outrageous style and self promotion.

Salvador Dali
Salvador Dali art

Call me a cynic. I have this vision of Dali getting up one morning and thinking, ‘what can I do to fuck with people?’ Given his sexual fondness for all things anus, he had a eureka moment. He started approaching people who occupied the circles he traveled in (liberals) and made a simple request. “Show me your asshole.” The penchant of these folks to whore after famous people knows no bounds. The next sound he heard was not a question, but the wisp of undies dropping. Of course he had a back up explanation. It was for science, His theory was that no two assholes were alike.

Thirty years after his death one of those unique assholes at Stanford drafted a grant application and got 6 million dollars to continue Dali’s legacy. If it wasn’t so sad, it would be funny.