I may have mentioned my on going battle with telephone solicitors. I don’t purchase goods and services from vendors that make unsolicited telephone calls. If, at a later date, I need a good or service the company or product represented by solicitor is excluded from consideration.

I am not being unreasonable. I was getting about ten solicitations a day via the land line. I get an additional ten via cell, all for shit I didn’t want or need.

Just to say I did it. I placed myself on the “Do Not Call List.” This is run by the FEDS. It doesn’t work. That’s too harsh… it works as well as LBJ’s “Great Society.” I tried following directions, press * to be removed. That just tells the spammer they got a live one.

I pressed 1, to talk to a person. If I wasn’t buying, neither were they.

I tried verbal abuse. My hope was that I would hit that one solicitor who was having a bad day. My onslaught would push him over the edge, causing him to pull a gun and kill all of his fellow solicitors just before killing himself. It should have worked.

I had a partner who claimed that I had the ability to make Mother Teresa call me a motherfucker! Apparently telephone solicitors are made of sterner stuff.

I have had some minor victories. The guy soliciting for the fallen police officers charity hasn’t called back. I told him I was a little short of cash but I would gladly give him a kilo of cocaine. All he had to do was name the place for a meeting. The hesitation, on his part, wasn’t on moral grounds. It just wasn’t possible for him to meet up in the time allotted.

The guy that showed up to measure for replacement windows and doors was disappointed to learn that I wasn’t interested. He asked me why I made the appointment. I told him that his telephone solicitors were wasting my time. I thought it was only fair that I return the favor and waste his. He accepted the explanation with such good grace. I suspect he will use it, first chance he gets.

No body has offered to replace my windows in over a year.

For at least the past two weeks I made it to the air duct cleaning list. Every night, Monday through Friday at 7:00 pm, the phone rings. The caller ID says air duct cleaning. I can get my air ducts evaluated for $59.95.

I opted to talk to the live person. English was not her first language. “Que pasa?” wasn’t in her vocabulary either. What I got from the conversation is that she intended to either, clean a duck or use a duck to clean my ducts. Sounded like a hell of deal. Despite the fact that there was a language barrier I was able to make an appointment for the next day between 8 am and 10 am.

The agreed upon window came and went. No duck or duct cleaner. At 10:30 am I got a call from the duct cleaner. Again English is not the first language. The original guy’s truck broke down. My caller, representing another company, would be happy to make the call at 2:00 pm. Yeah, okay fine.

At approximately noon a third duct cleaner, representing a third company just happened to be in the neighborhood. He could be there in five minutes.

By golly, he was. He showed up in an unmarked white van. He climbed out of the van and introduced himself. English was not his primary language. If I had to guess, I figure all of these mopes come from an area of the world where men are men and goats are nervous.

I don’t know that my explanation took with Achmed. What he did understand was that he invested time without commensurate remuneration.

I guess I’m not being politically correct, by making fun of the inability of these assholes to speak English. It could be the fault lies with me. These third world denizens could just as easily been explaining third world technology. They intended to run a duck through my ducts. It could happen!

I probably didn’t accomplish anything. But I had fun.