Nomination For A Hero Badge

Is, “Hey asshole, come here,” gender neutral?

I fought this battle almost twenty years ago. Texas DPS Narcotics came up with an incredibly bad report writing software. It was called CLERIS, I referred to it as CLITORIS, because it was difficult to access or manipulate to anybody’s satisfaction. A report that used to take eight hours, with a Big Chief tablet and a #2 pencil, now took forty hours with a computer and CLERIS.

You wonder why cops get shot or act inappropriately in using force, conducting searches and making arrests. There is only a limited amount of training time and money available. A bureaucrat decided pronouns were more important than officer and public safety.

DPS dictated the software that we had to use. They were less successful in the exercise of editorial control. The use of pronouns became prohibited. Proper names would henceforth be LAST NAME, FIRST NAME MIDDLE INITIAL any time a person was mentioned. To deviate was to cause the foundations of law enforcement in Texas to tremble and fall.

It was about this time of year when I got a call from a minimum wage clerk at DPS, Austin. It seems I wasn’t doing it right. I used dreaded pronouns and didn’t refer to people last name first, first name then middle initial. My report just wouldn’t do.

I told the caller that I wasn’t about to change the report. Charges had been filed and the report was sitting on the United States Attorney’s desk. He seemed quite happy with my work product. If it bothered her that much, I guess she could change the report. I told her that when she did, I would obtain a warrant for her arrest, for tampering with a government document. That was not the answer she was seeking.

In the spirit of the season, I wished her a “Merry Christmas!”

To which she replied, “I find that offensive!”

There was only one thing I could do. I replied, “Yeah, How do you feel about FUCK YOU!” Ah, the spirit of the season. That seemed to conclude the conversation.

About a minute later the boss was standing at my desk. “Did you just tell someone in Austin fuck you?

“Yup,” I said, “She was offended by Merry Christmas, so I gave her a basis for comparison.”

He shook his head and walked away.