Nomination for a Hero Badge

The reason I dislike police videos. It is okay for the passenger to express (or accuse) the officer of looking for an excuse to shoot her. The passenger, a drunk, long legged blonde, gets a bye. 

The officer’s response is unconscionable, perfectly reasonable if voiced by Black Lives Matter (BLM). That statement did two things. It put the bimbo on notice that her provocation was not going to work and effectively removed her objection to following his request. The officer apparently was trying to get her to call somebody; her cell phone was in her lap. She refused to do so citing her fear of being shot. The officer throws that garbage statement right back in her lap, “But you’re not black. Remember, we only kill black people.”

The technique is called using an outrageous statement to overcome resistance, usually, by reciting back to the speakers their own words. Some officers can use the technique, and others just can’t carry it off and don’t use it.

I got called in the Chief’s office because a woman said I cussed at her. I was directing traffic at an intersection and despite repeated efforts to signal her to move, hand signals and whistle signals she just sat there. According to her, I walked up to the car and asked, “Lady what have I got to do to get you to move, I’ve blown the PISS out of my whistle, and nothing works!”

The Chief wanted to know was this an accurate description of the incident. I replied, “Mostly,” except I said “Pea.” An Acme Thunderer Chrome plated brass whistle had a dried pea in the bell of the whistle. He knew that. We were done.

I think you can guess where I fall. I live for the outrageous statement. I can’t help myself, give me an opening, and I’m there, whether I need it or not. Call it a personal failing. I’m like Gracie Allen to George Burns as long as he keeps the straight lines coming …

Some oldies but goodies:

On a traffic stop:

“Well, I’m sorry.”

Officer, “I KNOW you are. Is that an acknowledgment of an apology or a comment on the character of the driver?

“I’ve been driving for over fifty years, and I have never had a ticket.

Officer, “Looks like I got your cherry.”

Raid team,” Police, everybody down, down, let me see your hands, NICE TITS! Get down

An officer on approaching parkers making out: “Excuse me, sir, Is she holding you here against your will?”


Occasionally we were the recipient:

“What you got in your pants?”

“They’re not my pants.”

“Why is your thing hanging out?” To the peeping Tom masturbating outside a window.

“Suspect looks down, then back up and explains to the officer, “It’s not my thing.”

Everybody seems to ignore the fact that the officer obtained compliance from the intoxicated female. The Chief maintains that the statement was inappropriate in any context. Context is everything. Course, this same clown would bemoan the fact that had officer lost control of the situation. Resulting in a physical altercation moments later rolling around on the pavement with the sweet young thing.

The officer diffused the situation, apparently arranged for the bimbo to get a ride home safely, but it wasn’t good enough. The officer used a technique that has been taught in police academies across the nation. He may have used terminology not contemplated in the curriculum, but it worked. This isn’t about the bimbo being offended. The controversy came about because a TV station decided to do some Monday morning quarterbacking.

I am used to seeing whores in the police station. They come in the back door and hang around the booking desk until they are placed in a cell. It is unfortunate, at least one whore escaped the booking area and is now occupying the executive suite.

One of my former bosses was not sympathetic to my argument. As he pointed out he was the one that had to field the calls of outrage after I delivered one of my gems. Here is one he missed. It happened after he retired.

I received a call from the Texas Department of Public Safety, Narcotics Service. It was right around Christmas time. A woman clerk took exception to a report I had written. We used a terrible software package maintained by DPS to write our case reports. We had to follow their rules when entering information into the database, in order to make the system work. I understood and accepted that.

Where we differed was in the composition of the narrative. DPS mandated that the only way to write a narrative was when referring to suspects use last name first, then first name, then middle initial (BLOW, JOE G) every time. Pronouns were unacceptable. I wasn’t stupid enough to be a member of DPS and regarded their guidance on report writing as really bad advice and did my own thing.

The narrative was unacceptable by her standards and she was demanding a total rewrite. I told her that wasn’t going to happen. She muttered a few more threats and I brought the conversation to a close by wishing her a “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!”

She hit that line like a bass going for a shiny lure, “I find that offensive!”

I maintain that there is only one rational, reasonable response to such scrooges. I replied, “How do you feel about Fuck You!” and hung up.

The return phone call from a narcotics commander came back so quickly, I am convinced he had no idea why he was making the call. There wasn’t enough time to recite all my high crimes and misdemeanors prior to the call being made.