Texas-Rangers-to-assist-in-search-for-Tom-brady’s-super-bowl-jersey.

I am a fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Sherlock Holmes. Now that I’m a retired investigator, I stay safely up on the porch rather than expending all that energy running with big dogs. I have adopted The Holmesian method of deduction to solve crimes. Keeping Holmes’ advice in mind: “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth”. I believe that I have solved the problem.

If ever there was a law enforcement organization suited to finding missing souvenirs it is the Texas Rangers. No group knows more about making, faking, exploiting, extorting, taking and profiting from souvenirs than the Texas Rangers. The guy that stole Tom Brady’s Jersey has got a real problem, the guys that invented sack dragging are after him.

“Dragging the sack” is a law enforcement euphemism for using your position to obtain goods and services for free, by reason of your status. The Jersey disappeared from a high-security locker room at the stadium. Two scenarios are immediately suggestive:  Scenario #1 Crooks stage a “Mission Impossible” style raid using lasers, mirrors, anti-gravity boots and three hookers, one of whom is a midget to attack the locker room and distract the guards. I’m going out on a limb with the midget hooker, but I always wanted to use one in a story. Scenario #2, The Texas Rangers hear there is a party and crash it because it’s in Texas and they are Texas Rangers. After swilling down all the free champagne and filling their pockets with free whiskey they leave, because they are not the center of attention.

On the way out, one intrepid Ranger observes a box of cheesy SUPER BOWL 51 CHAMPIONS by the door. Not having a sack handy he grabs the nearest thing that can double as a sack, ties the arms and neck closed and fills it with gimmie caps. Cheesy, NFL and Texas Rangers go together like stink on shit.

Scenario #1 is outlandish and not very likely. Scenario #2, on the other hand, matches up with all the known facts. Occam’s Razor and the Holmesian quote indicate this is the most likely outcome, no matter how improbable.

I predict that even as I write this, the game jersey is safely locked away in the Texas Rangers office. The jersey will be recognized for what it is and recovered once it stops doing duty as a sack. It is beyond the comprehension of the Texas Rangers to recognize the fact that sometimes items do double duty. In their world, a sack is a sack, and it is either full or empty.

Once and only after the sack/shirt is empty will the suspicion, that it might be something else will arise. One Ranger will observe that it wasn’t a very good sack.  It had too many holes. Another Ranger will point out that the number 12 is misleading because it held more that 12 hats. Only then can the harrowing story of its recovery be told. The Rangers will attempt to enshrine it at the Texas anger Museum in Waco where its value as another Texas Ranger Icon will be displayed.