The posting may reveal more about me than I intend, but here goes. Somewhere along the line, I ran across an article, maybe an interview or a lecture about writing. The speaker/author put forward as an example the following line:
“He plunged his pulsing purple penis into her quivering quim.”
The speaker claimed this had to be the worst line ever written in pornography. For some reason, it has stuck with me all these years, perhaps as a yardstick to measure all other writing. I am not even sure how you get a quim to quiver. I did know a cowgirl in Bryan, Texas that could get hers to approximate the sensation of a horse eating sweet feed out of the palm of your hand. But that’s another story.
I saw this list referenced in the “Ace of Spades” this weekend. It occurred to me maybe a rework of the line might redeem it. So I thought I would give it a shot. Using terms from a bygone era http://mentalfloss.com/article/52339/35-classy-slang-terms-naughty-bits-past-600-years
- He planted his pulsing purple Maypole (1621) into quivering the Altar of Venus (1584).
I guess there is no fixing it. Next, I decided to try putting these terms into context.
- Master John Goodfellow (1653) played a quick set on the Aphrodisiacal tennis court (1665). I wonder if the those with the “Goodfellow” surname realize they were named after a penis?
- Nobody could make the Silent Flute (1720) sound like he could in Mrs. Fubbs’ parlor (1823)
- Don Cypriano (1653) worried the Privy-counsel (1664) to a frazzle.
- Tripping down a familiar path the Gentleman Usher (1719) approached the Thatched Cottage (1835) from the rear.
I don’t know; these terms don’t have the pizzazz of contemporary terms. It strikes me that your matronly Aunt could give voice to any of these to the Vicar in the front Parlor on Sunday, after church.
Perhaps alternative lifestyle may help.
- It was a clash of fashions as Lady’s Low Toupee (1721) met and meshed with her lover’s (Brazilian) Fancy Article (1822).
- Both being equally rigid, the Cyprian Scepter (1653) and Staff of Life (1836) met in single combat.
One more, I don’t hear the term used in this fashion anymore but in Texas “cock” referred to both male and female genitalia,
Chasing cock, I’ve followed a stiff cock into places I’d be afraid to take a SWAT Team.
For those too lazy to chase the link here are some other terms.
VAGINA
1. Belle-chose (1386)
2. Altar of Venus (1584)
3. Netherlands (1591)
4. Placket-lace (1593)
5. Phoenix nest (1618)
6. Nature’s treasury (1635)
7. Contrapunctum (1653)
8. Privy-counsel (1664)
9. Aphrodisiacal tennis court (1665)
10. Lady’s low toupee (1721)
11. Mount Pleasant (1748)
12. Petticoat lane (1790)
13. Venerable monosyllable (1796)
14. Fancy Article (1822)
15. Mrs. Fubbs’ parlor (1823)
16. Antipodes (1832)
17. Thatched cottage (1835)
18. Cyprian fountain (1846)
19. Road to a Christening (1903)
PENIS
20. Maypole (1621)
21. Pioneer of nature (1653)
22. Master John Goodfellow (1653)
23. Generating tool (1653)
24. Evesdropper (1653)
25. Cyprian scepter (1653)
26. Don Cypriano (1653)
27. Matrimonial peacemaker (1708)
28. Gentleman Usher (1719)
29. Rule of three (1720)—this refers to the whole genital area
30. Silent Flute (1720)
31. Arbor vitae (1732)
32. Impudence (1783)
33. Staff of life (1836)
34. Mr. Peaslin (1883)
35. Credentials (1895)