PARAPROSDOKIAN REDUX

A friend sent me a list of Paraprosdokian one liners that I sent him back in 2008.  I thought they were funny, did a quick Internet search and learned that paraprosdokian sayings are a comedic device where the speaker starts with a reasonable statement and saddles it with a bizarre conclusion. 

Okay, I thought, I remember Henny Youngman, “Take my wife, please” or Jack Benny when confronted with the demand, “Your money or your life!”  Long pause, Benny tapping his fingers on his chin.  The impatient robber, “Well”. Benny’s reply, “I’m thinking, I’m thinking.”  But that wasn’t quite right, oh they had the technique down but my sense was I had more modern material in mind.  Good as Marx, Youngman, Dangerfield, and Carlin were I am not in the habit of replaying comedy routines of old white men dead twenty years or more.  No there was something more recent it’ll come to me or it won’t.

I scanned some of the BLOGS I read and caught up on the latest, the Pope, Caitland Jenner still hasn’t figured out how to get rid of that damned Y chromosome, some Kardasian did something. Hillary may have sent some classified e-mails through her unclassified system but she didn’t inhale.  Screech! can a mouse put down skid marks?  Eureka, could it be?  This called for research.  What did the masters say about spouses, infidelity, honesty, public service, and irony?  Are there parallels? Theories are all well and good but does the research support the theory, are the results there for all to see?  Can they be reliably validated.  Yes, yes, yes and yes.

Remembering my third grade math teacher, in order for the answer to be right you have to show your work,  I lay it before you.  Here are quotes from the masters with a quote or quotes by Hillary Clinton.

SPOUSES 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

Every marriage is a mystery to me, even the one I’m in. So I’m no expert on it.

I feel very blessed to have a partner in life who supports me, who is enthusiastic about what I want to do, who has been a great father, and who will be a fabulous grandfather.

Hillary Clinton

INFIDELITY 

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

“I want you to do damage control over Bill’s philandering… Bill’s going to be President of the United States… I want you to give me the names and addresses and phone numbers, and we can get them under control.”

Hillary Clinton


HONESTY

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Groucho Marx

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

I will not comment on or confirm what are alleged to be stolen State Department cables. But I can say that the United States deeply regrets the disclosure of any information that was intended to be confidential, including private discussions between counterparts or our diplomats’ personal assessments and observations.

“We just can’t trust the American people to make those types of choices… government has to make those choices for people.”

Hillary Clinton

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”

Hillary Clinton

PUBLIC SERVICE

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

“I reiterate my taking responsibility. With specific security requests, they didn’t come to me; I had no knowledge of them.”

Hillary Clinton

I did not email any classified material to anyone on my email,” Mrs. Clinton said at a news conference on Tuesday at the United Nations. “I’m certainly well aware of the classification requirements and did not send classified material.”

“I think there’s so much confusion around this that I understand why reporters and the public are asking questions, but the facts are pretty clear. I did not send nor receive anything that was classified at the time,” she said.

Hillary Clinton

GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

Rodney Dangerfield

You show people what you’re willing to fight for when you fight your friends.

Hillary Clinton

IRONY

Often times when you face such an overwhelming challenge as global climate change, it can be somewhat daunting – it’s kind of like trying to lose weight, which I know something about.

Hillary Clinton

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

I think that you will agree with me, Hillary has all but abandoned her run for President in 2016 and is using her “Bully Pulpit” to knock the rough edges of her comedy and variety show act that will open in Las Vegas after the election.  I admit she isn’t quite up to Groucho Marx’s standards, but she’s a trooper.  She would do well to study Burns and Allen, Bill could probably pull off the Gracie Allen part.

I am just so excited can’t you just picture Hillary in a spangled pantsuit, belting out “I Did it My Way” as a closing number?