I lost my cell phone Sunday. I didn’t really lose it, I left it in the backseat of my sister’s car which is kinda like losing it. It took two days of prodding to get her to look for it.

In the meantime, I went through the ritual of finding lost things at home. Think where was the last place you had it. Bedroom, office, and family room quick scan, nope. Kitchen, garage, back deck, and bathroom, not there either. Bedroom, office and family room this time actually picking shit up and looking under stuff, still nothing.

All of this activity is bound to attract the activity of the household animals, in this case, a cat. Cats are useless when you are searching for stuff. I remember back when I had Rodin, a rottweiler. He was there for you. After the first pass, there was no fooling him. He could tell that I, and therefore he was looking for something and from that moment forward it was a joint expedition. The only problem being is that he had no idea what the object of the search was. He was there, though, to share both my triumphs and tribulations.

Cats, on the other hand, could give a damn if you lost something. They can tell that you are searching for something but they don’t care. If they follow the progress of the search, it is to protect their vested interests. He’s looking under the couch, better not jack with my plastic bottle top ring, don’t care about the cockroach. Some areas are more favored hiding spots than others. You can tell where these areas are because that is where the cat is, nothing to see here, I already checked.

The other difference between cats and dogs is if you need a fall guy, dogs are there. As the search progresses and fails you can talk to the dog. “Where is it?” Will evoke a puzzled response in a dog. First, there is the, ‘I am looking as hard as I can.’ Then the, ‘You never told me what it is.’ And then finally the accusation, ‘What did you do with it?’ Poor old Rodin’s response was, ‘It wasn’t me, I had a blackout, kidnapped by gypseys, I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you somehow.’

Talking to a cat is useless. They just look at you and say, “I want an attorney.”