I just saw this TV commercial for an adult diaper service, with the worst job title in recent memory (that used to be “Assistant Crack Whore”, btw) Are you ready? “Personal Incontinence Consultant”. This is her. I know, right? So many follow-up questions. She looks like she would know all the poop, doesn’t she? I understand this is a real issue, but for this generation, I think when the time comes, the best way to sell adult diapers will be with humor. Remember this SNL parody? – “Oops I Crapped My Pants.” Worst job title 

When I started this, I thought I would be breaking new ground but I found that just wasn’t so, Trey Speegle beat me by four months.

If you find yourself watching non-network TV then you have probably seen this commercial far more often than you wanted to.  It says something about America and offers a glimpse of that “can do” spirit of yesteryear.

Who knew that adult incontinence was a problem that required government funding and assistance.  Who could have guessed that entirely new occupational specialties would open up as a result. Study hard kiddies, do well in school and you too can be a  “Personal Incontinence Consultant” Obviously there is a need and it has been fulfilled. 

The advertisement tells us (in fine print) that the lady pictured is not a real Personal Incontinence Consultant, but an actor.  From where I sit that is a distinction without a difference. How does an actor go about preparing for such a role? Is it necessary to experience that initial warm rush followed by the cold and clammy feeling that incontinence brings about?  Or can the serious actor just hang out at, say a nursing home, observe and point out to the residents, “Hey you just pissed on yourself.”

Given the wide range of potential customers and the subject matter, does a Personal Incontinence Consultant talk frankly about urinary incontinence and bowel movement incontinence?  Or are we reduced in these politically correct times to” “Do you have a problem with #1 or #2?

The TV advertisement points out that once the service begins your incontinence supplies will be shipped to your door, in plain brown wrappers, thus ensuring your privacy.  This sounds good, in theory, but the package has to be addressed to somebody other than: occupant or to our neighbors. Chances are it is going to bear the name of the end user.

For deniability’s sake, I prefer my method.  When I leave the Wal Mart with my weekly allotment of Depends, if I run across anybody I know, I just tell them I’m shopping for my brother, the big time attorney.  Seems to work.

One final point bothers me about this whole home delivery thing.  At what point do Depends go from a last line of defense to used in case of accident, to one of convenience?  We’ve all seen a two year old going through “potty training”.  If nothing else is going on, the little tyke will announce to everybody in a three county area, “Gotta go potty!” But let the same two year old be engaged in something and he’ll pause to pinch a loaf and continue on.  Can it be only a matter of time until, “I gotta, ah screw it I’m gonna watch my show.”