Pubic Health Warning

Herpes carrying monkeys

So many directions to take this, so little time… Normally I would say the risk seems low, but we are talking Florida. It would seem the obvious solution is to tell people: ‘don’t fuck monkeys!’ However, there are denizens of Florida where that message just won’t take.

Maybe the solution is to warn people that if their prospective partner has teeth that do not touch one another, possess more than a dozen monochrome tattoos, have a tattoo on their face or more piercings than a pin cushion; consider masturbation instead.

Just look at booking photos of Florida crooks and compare them with the monkey. The monkey is looking pretty damn good, by comparison.

‘Killer’ herpes isn’t stopping these monkeys from mating and, yep, they’re in Florida


JANUARY 04, 2019 10:02 AM,

In this Sept. 17, 2013, file photo a female rhesus macaque monkey carries a young monkey by the Silver River in Silver Springs State Park in central Florida. In a study released Nov. 19, 2018, in The Journal of Wildlife Management, researchers found that the number of rhesus macaques at Silver Springs State Park will grow to 350 animals or more by 2022. When the study was conducted in 2015, there were about 175 monkeys in the park.LISA CRIGAR AP

They have a herpes virus that can be fatal to humans. They are randy. And their population could double by 2022.

“They” are a group of about 200 feral monkeys — rhesus macaques, to be exact — in Silver Springs State Park in central Florida’s Marion County. There is also a colony of these monkeys in Puerto Rico.

According to a 2018 report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, researchers found that these rhesus macaques can shed the herpes B virus, known as macacine herpes virus 1 or McHV-1, and this puts “humans at risk for exposure to this potentially fatal pathogen.”

Great Excuses in Disease Epidemiology

  • I got it from the toilet seat.
  • Musta been the Haitian blood transfusion.
  • There I was, minding my own business, when I ran across a shit flinging monkey.