Why eating your greens can give you the blues: Vegetarians are more miserable, have lower self-esteem and enjoy parties less than meat-eaters, scientists claim

• Study asked questions to 400 vegetarians, meat-eaters and ‘semi-vegetarians’
• Vegetarians had the most negative feelings and enjoyed social occasions least
• Report suggested teasing by omnivores may be to blame for negative feelings

I think they have it backwards. Vegetarians don’t suffer from low self esteem because of their diet. They already have low self esteem. This is their attempt to get somebody, anybody to notice them. 

I think a whole lot of aberrant behavior has its basis in a vain attempt to be noticed. Competition is stout, the old standbys are mainstream. Guys want to punish your parents and horrify your acquaintances?

Fifteen years ago it was easy. Just point out that compared to you, Linda Lovelace was an amateur. That doesn’t work anymore. Mom and Dad won’t even bat an eye these days. 

If a guy wants to ring the gay bell, he has to grow boobs and change his name to Fifi. This calls for a commitment that most snowflakes aren’t willing to make.

Tattoos used to be a reliable standby. No longer, since Mom complained that the cute Tweety bird on her breast now appears to be a vulture nesting in her belly button.

Religious fanaticism is a possibility. Joining the Catholic faith puts one in the position of being a “boy toy” for the local Bishop. Islam has its downsides also. No booze, at least the Catholics drink. Then there is the bestiality, and blowing oneself up thing. Besides, driving a truck loaded with explosives is so blue collar.

The beauty of being a vegan is no commitment is required. All the effort is expended by other people. Restaurant selection, menu planning, entertainment options (bullfights are probably out) are dictated by the carnivore’s perception of vegan sensibilities. The non-entity that is a vegan suddenly occupies center stage.

Here is the revenge vegans have been seeking. “Pick me last for a sandlot game. Toss me out of the high school locker room in my underwear. I’ll show you!”

Carnivores unite! The menu? Medium rare steaks all around. For the vegans, saltines and tepid water. There’s no way I’m giving a crazy person a knife.