Two Detroit Families Hit it Big in the Ghetto Lottery

Breathlessly Anticipating the Payout

Two burglary suspects likely made contact with 24,000 volts of electricity, authorities say.

This just in, details are sketchy. Two thieves broke into a power substation in Detroit to steal cooper wire. Copper wire is selling at $2.80 per pound. They didn’t do it right. They both died; very suddenly. 24,000 volts fused the two bodies together resulting in the ultimate twofer. While police have not publicly identified the thieves, a utility worker stated both were black males.

The families now have a choice. They can complete the cremation process, divide the weight of the remains by two and call it even. Or they can stuff them both in the same coffin. Might make for interesting visiting days at the cemetery. 2-electrocuted-at-substation-in-Detroit

I hear people say. “Thieves didn’t use to do that in the old days.” Now, say it aloud. Does it make any more sense? What does it mean? Crooks didn’t recognize the market potential? I knew a guy in San Marcos forty years ago who got busted and did Federal time for smuggling bull semen. How does one conceive of the profit potential of masturbating bulls. Companion question, does that automatically make him the toughest guy in prison?

Let’s say the two crispy critters were each able to carry 100 pounds of stolen copper, contrary to what they told their counselor at the workforce center, bad back. At today’s prices 100 pounds represents $280.00 potential profit. Against the potential of crispy critterdom. Cost benefit analysis, does the potential of $280 get one out of a warm bed on a Detroit winter morning? Now consider the downside, do it wrong and you don’t get to go home. How does that math work out?

“Thieves didn’t use to do that in the old days.” I think is an admission that the era of the professional criminal, the Willie Suttons, Joseph Bonanos, Sam Giancanas and Al Capones is coming to a close. It should be the turn of the black gangsters, but they aren’t smart enough. They are just as incompetent at crime as they are at life.

Meanwhile two mothers, six baby mama’s, six illegitimate children and numerous hangers on wait and wonder; what’s a crispy critter worth?