Not Quite

“If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell” 
― General Philip Henry Sheridan

I have a circle of friends that have a tendency to pile on when the mood strikes them. One misplaced Texan, in Virginia, sent a link to a Texas Monthly article. It purported to be a comprehensive list of Texas sayings.

It was sadly lacking. Texas Monthly is based in the Peoples Republic of Texas. Some call it Austin. Austin is periodically infested with politicians and whores. The politicians give the place a bad name.

Nothing coming out of Austin ever lives up to its hype.

At any rate, some of the others in my circle jumped in to point out some sayings that Texas Monthly missed. I do not claim that this list is all encompassing.

I’m so hungry I could eat the ass out of a trottin’ horse.

He’s as worthless as pot-scrapin’s

He’s as annoying as wet boots

He’s so stupid he thinks a saddle horn is for honkin.

He’s like one of those red-assed monkeys…always inflamed about somethin.

She’s slicker than snot on a doorknob

If you keep mouthin off I’m gonna wade through you like tall grass.

I’m gonna hit you so hard your children will be born dizzy.

I ate so much boiled okry as a child I can’t keep my socks up.

If I had wanted your opinion I’d have slapped it out of you.

And my favorite…She’s seen more male members than a bus station urinal.

From another quarter I got these gems.

“Pull down yer hats, hitch up yer britches, and let’s go get them sonsabitches.”

“So stupid if you shoved his brain up a gnat’s ass, it’d be like a BB in a boxcar.” 

They’re not my pants!

Who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?

I’m not sure, but I think this last is attributed to a Texas Ranger.

Honest, I was just trying to help that sheep across the fence.