Many Accidents Happen in the Home

Most people who read the following story will scoff. “That would never happen,” they would say. As a thirty-year cop, I beg to differ. Those who disbelieve are only demonstrating their limited exposure to the human condition.

I used to have an audio tape of a discussion between paramedics and a doctor, via radio. It seems their patient had a battery-operated vibrator lodged in his rectum. The doctor had to put up with a great deal of sputtering and snickering as the medics described the situation. The doctor chastised them for their unprofessional demeanor. He then got the last word in by inquiring, “What does he want us to do? Remove it or change the batteries?”

At any rate, the bomb squad was called out after a patient showed up with an artillery round lodged in his rectum. According to the patient, he tripped, fell and landed on the device.

I had a friend who was a Deputy Sheriff, assigned to the jail ward at Parkland Hospital in Dallas. He heading for the jail ward via the emergency room entrance. He glanced into a treatment cubical and observed a male patient face down on the treatment table. He had an impressive display of greenery sprouting from his butt. Outside the treatment room huddled several nurses all cackling and grinning. He figured he could get the low down from them. He was right. They provided the patient’s perfectly reasonable explanation for his condition.

The patient came home from grocery shopping and put his purchases on the kitchen table. He went off to take a shower. After the shower, he remembered the groceries and decided to put them away. He was home alone and set out to accomplish this task while nude.

Unbeknownst to him, his cat jumped up on the table to investigate the contents of the bags. During this foray the cat knocked a glass off of the table to the floor. This created a puddle. Among the purchases was a large turnip, complete with greens. The cat also knocked the turnip off the table onto a chair. The patient walked into the kitchen, stepped in the puddle, slipped and fell onto the chair and by extension the turnip. And that is how he ended up in the emergency room at Parkland hospital with a turnip stuck up his ass!

It could happen!