Hold My Beer, Watch This and Other Famous Last Words

This could be a legitimate exercise class, but I doubt it. It could just be my frame of reference. It’s a cop thing. Ralphie called it a double dog dare. Cops prefer: “You ain’t got a hair on your ass.” Sometimes the statement is left unspoken. I can give you examples of each.

First, “you ain’t got a hair…” It was a lazy Sunday afternoon. I was in a patrol car parked at the base of a long downhill grade. Parked beside me was a University cop. We were passing the time talking about nothing in particular. My radar unit started growling (the doppler effect). It took a moment. Then I spotted a guy on a bicycle coming down the hill. I made the observation to my counterpart, this dude is cruising. He’s doing 45 in a 30. This was curiosity more than any urge to enforce the speed limit.

Two things happened. My university counterpart spoke the magic words, “You ain’t got a hair on your ass…” and bicyclist ran the stop sign at 45 mph. I showed him that my ass was shaggy. The bicyclist earned the right to discuss traffic law and bicycles with the judge.

An example of the unspoken, “You ain’t got a hair…” Happened to another officer. He was working a fatal traffic accident. The JP had pronounced the victim deceased and ordered a blood draw. The officer accompanied the body to the funeral home. We didn’t have access to the proper container and paperwork required by the Texas Department of Public Safety (DPS). A trooper agreed to supply the required items. The only problem was that he was on the other side of the county.

The officer was complaining about being hungry. He recruited another officer to get him a Big Mac and Fries. The intent being that he would eat his meal at the police station while he completed paperwork.

The outcome is predictable. The meal arrived at the funeral home in the prep room. The meal and challenge were laid down then and there. It has been a long time. It seems to me MacDonald’s had an ad campaign where the punchline involved the phrase, “Big Mac attack.” We figured he would be a shoe-in for the ad.

I watch the video and cannot shake the feeling that this “exercise” is the result of two exercise instructors talking. One says to the other, “You ain’t got a hair on your ass…” And a new exercise regimen was born.