From time to time I bandy about legal or police terms with the assumption that the reader knows what I am talking about. I am so caught up in the story that I don’t take the time to provide an explanation. I am going to try and rectify the situation by discussing specific terms to aid in future understanding. 

Many law enforcement and legal terms have their origins in everyday words but take on a different meaning in the law enforcement context. Many of these terms are homonyms. Here is the definition:

Definition of Homonym 

grammar : one of two or more words spelled and pronounced alike but different in meaning (such as the noun quail and the verb quail)

An example of such dual definitions is a NYPD term: “scumbag.” In civilian parlance this is a used, discarded condom. In police parlance it refers to anybody the police do not like: democrats, liberals, politicians, lawyers and crooks.

Today we are going to discuss penal and penile, as in interest. A statement against “Penal Interest” occurs when a scumbag decides to snitch off his fellow crooks. It starts when the scumbag is under arrest for one offense and he confesses to a more serious offence in order to implicate somebody else. The goal is to encourage the police to trade up. Courts have determined that people lie to get out of trouble not to further implicate themselves. A statement under these conditions is deemed credible. 

An example is when a crook is caught leaving a drug house and found to be in possession of drugs. The crook admits that he just purchased drugs and identifies his dealer. In doing so he has elevated his simple possession charge to a drug delivery charge (as the recipient). His statement coupled with independent information may be enough for police to obtain a search warrant.

I have never made a statement against Penal Interests.

I have made a multitude of statements against “Penile Interests.” A statement against penile interests occurs when the male faced with a sexual sure thing opens his big mouth. Repercussions include; face slapping, attempted ball kicking, sleeping on the couch, or purchasing expensive and useless items as a bribe. I don’t learn. I can’t help it. It doesn’t matter how attractive or perverted she may be, if she serves up a straight line … I just gotta. I have made a list so the reader will not make the same mistakes I did.

I worked my way through the first years of college driving a taxi. I was taking a very drunk woman to a neighboring town, about a twenty minute drive. Midway through the journey she asked me to turn on the dome light. As I did so, she placed her feet on top of the front seat with her legs spread. She hiked up her skirt to show that she was not wearing any panties. As she fondled herself she said in a husky voice,”Will this do for a tip?”

I couldn’t help myself. I replied,”Aw gee, lady ain’t you got anything smaller?” I didn’t get a tip, cash or otherwise.

I found out the hard way the answer to: “Do you want to make love?” Is not, “Sure, right after I take a shit.” I didn’t realize it was an either or proposition.

This is stereotypical but it bears repeating. When she asks, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” While the accurate answer may be, “No, your fat ass makes your ass look big.” That is not the correct answer.

I was about to close the deal with a hard body barfly when she asked,”What is it you want?” I replied, “I want an ole gal that will buy me drinks all night long, go home with me and screw my brains out. When she’s done she’ll get dressed and leave without waking me, and make sure the door is locked on the way out.” Her reply, “That let’s me out.” It was better to know from the get go.

“When are you going to ask me out on a date?” she asked. 
“Right after you front the blow job. After all if the blow job isn’t any good why waste money on dinner and drinks?” I thought that was a practical answer.

It must be my tone or delivery that does it. I had a room mate named Heart Attack. Every Sunday morning for over a year, I would awaken to the sounds of the NFL Sunday morning Highlights. Invariably, I would hear him say, without repercussion, “Darling, can you hunker down a bit, you are blocking the TV.” Football and blow jobs; he was a man of simple tastes.

This last is more situational than speech specific. As a young officer, I stopped by the hospital to cage some aspirin. Nothing was open in town after midnight and it was two in the morning. Mission accomplished, I was walking out to my patrol car. I overtook a former room mate. He was shuffling along like an old man. With each step he give little yips and yelps of pain. I offered to give him a ride home after he said that he couldn’t drive.

During the journey, the story came out. It seems he picked this particular evening to break up with one of three girlfriends. That explains it I thought, “Did she kick you in the balls?”

“No,” he replied, “She bit my dick and I got six stitches.”

My sympathy vanished, “You broke up with a chick in the middle of a blow job?”

He got a confused expression on his face. His anguished reply was, “But it was only a blow job!”

I resolved then and there, never to break up in the middle of a blow job. To be extra safe I swore off women who regularly handled hot food or hot drinks and knife throwers. In the retrospect of old age I should have included women that handle needles and women that carry guns. Ever had a naked woman draw down on you? I didn’t know whether to be titillated or terrified.

It is likely that I have only scratched the surface. Anything you say to the opposite sex is subject to misinterpretation. If you gotta talk to them limit your answers to Yes dear or no dear. For variety you can throw in; you are right dear, I’m sorry, and it is all my fault. Remember, once you are married, the blow jobs stop.

I suspect that I won’t be getting any dating offers as a result of this blog. Remember sensitivity is a slogan on a condom wrapper.