Don’t Feed the Bears

To anybody who watches this video, they see a bear stuck in a dumpster. Not me. The video triggered a memory of Bluto in action. I have previously written about Bluto’s legendary exploits. There was the raid on the little girls’ birthday party*, for one. There were many more.

What was the trigger? Bluto and the bear are about the same size and shape. They are both large, lumbering and hairy. Bluto might have the edge on the bear, when it comes to hairy. But that wasn’t all.

Like the bear, Bluto was always hungry. One of Bluto’s great disappointments was the day he found out that the owners of a Chinese restaurant lied to him. Two hours into his meal the owner kicked him out. It seems “All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet” was just an advertising gimmick.


I have been informed by a fellow broke down retired narc that I was wrong. Bluto’s Chinese All You Can Eat adventure was called by the owner after he had been grazing there for four hours. He swears this is the owner’s final words on the matter: “You been here FO’ HOUR…..FO’ HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!………you go home now, no come back!!!!!!!!!”

Back to the dumpster. Bluto was working undercover. He set up to buy an eightball of cocaine. He met the dealer, who turned out to be a middleman. That means the middleman didn’t have any dope, but knew where to get it. Bluto took the crook to a residence. The crook ran inside, scored the cocaine and brought it back to Bluto. Bluto dropped the package into an empty soft drink cup sitting in the console cup holder. He then dropped the crook off and departed.

Stage two consisted of Bluto meeting his cover officer at a predetermined location. The cover officer would take possession of the dope, field test it and mark it as evidence. Since we’re dealing with Bluto it should be no surprise that this meeting was set to take place in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant.

Bluto required almost constant feeding. This means that his G-ride contained wrappers, bags, boxes and cups from almost every fast food franchise known to man. There is a possibility that if one dug deep enough wrappers from long defunct restaurants might be found.

At any rate, Bluto was parked at the back of the lot, next to the dumpster. It could be it was because his cover officer was late. Maybe it was the proximity to the dumpster. Whatever, Bluto decided to get domestic. He set about cleaning out his G-ride. All of the fast food detritus went sailing into the dumpster, including the cup containing the eightball of cocaine. Bluto soon realized his mistake.

The dumpster was large enough and deep enough that try as he might Blutto could not reach the cup. All was not lost, he could climb in the dumpster, retrieve the cocaine, minus the cup, and be out of the dumpster with nobody the wiser. It was not to be! His cover officer showed up to find Blutto waist deep in trash trying to hoist himself out of the dumpster.

TV makes a big deal about cops not telling on other cops. Legend has it the partners never tell on each other. Well there is a grain of truth in that belief. On the other hand, some shit is to good not to share!

*Bluto and the Birthday Party
Like Roscoe Rules (The Choirboys) observed: “Let me do good, nobody remembers. When I fuck up nobody forgets.”