As one story goes, McDonald arrived in Dallas to stop a prize fight, and when community leaders asked when his fellow Rangers were arriving, he said “Hell! ain’t I enough? There’s only one prize-fight!”

Contemporaries of Captain Bill say that sentiment expressed is consistent with the Captain’s attitude, but doubt that he actually said it. Thus the most famous quote attributed to a Texas Ranger never happened.

Texas Ranger Clench Reeves would be happy with the same result. However, it was not to be. Clench is a Texas Ranger in the time of smartphones, where every man can be the next Spielberg or Edwin R Murrow. According to the Texas Rangers PR machine, Clench was the Texas Ranger who single-handedly broke up an act of trans-national terrorism aimed at middle school students by forces aligned to attack American institutions.

Clench was volunteered by his fourteen-year-old son to speak at the Besse Smith Middle School as part of a career day program. Clench and his partner Rancid P Strange were out late the night before investigating the contents of a bottle of tequila. The tequila won. Walking wounded or not Clench managed to make it to the fourth period when the lunch rotation began.

Roughly one-quarter of the school filed into the cafeteria for their thirty-minute meal break. Since this was Wednesday the students had two choices of entree, Frito pie or sloppy joes. Both favorite menu items except when the student body decided to indulge itself with one of its twice a year food fights.

The rumor flew through the lunchroom that the sloppy joe and Frito pie chili was a 50-50 mix of beef and pork. This rumor was enough to get the Muslim kids up and arms as the meal was haram, prohibited. The white kids got the blame and responded in self-defense. The Mexicans weren’t going to miss out on this Trifecta and decided that the Frito Bandito was racist. Soon food was flying in all directions, and the standard roar of kids at leisure seemed to double.

The rumor flew through the lunchroom that the sloppy joe and Frito pie chili was a 50-50 mix of beef and pork. This was enough to get the Muslim kids up and arms as the meal was haram, prohibited. The white kids got the blame and responded in self-defense. The Mexicans weren’t going to miss out on this trifecta and decided that the Frito Bandito was racist. Soon food was flying in all directions and the normal roar of kids at leisure seemed to double.

The school administration had seen it all before and knew that this too, shall pass. This was outside the experience of Clench Reeves.  The only thing close was a jail riot in Waco and the inmates were better behaved.

Clench Reeves, Texas Ranger, knew what he had to do. He stepped to the center of the lunch pulled his 1911, .45 pointed it at the ceiling and fired one round. The recordings capture a lot of background noise, but after analyzing twenty-two different recordings experts attribute the following quote to  Reeves, ” I don’t need this shit.”School administrations may be able to take a food fight in stride. A firearm discharge is a different story. Alarm klaxons began sounding, students, teachers, and staff headed for the exits. To imply that this was an evacuation doesn’t do it justice. What occurred, happened at an entirely different level, one that evacuation coordinators can only aspire to. Every man, women and child, six to sixty, blind, crippled or crazy unassed the location in under sixty seconds.  Thus ended the great food fight. One food fight, one Ranger.

A lot of Monday morning quarterbacks take exception to the whole incident, but it has been looked at from a variety of angles. The analysis of the meat for the Frito pie and chili showed a mixture of 95% beef, 4% rodent and 1% cockroach, well within standards.

The FBI and Texas Department of Public Safety (DPS) have agreed to disagree. The FBI claims there is no terrorism nexus. DPS, on the other hand, maintains that the crime lab found the wreckage of a drone in the cafeteria The drone contained gun powder residue and trace metals consistent with the type of ammunition used by Clench Reeves. Reeves states that he did not fire a warning shot, that he was shooting at a UFO. The crime lab confirms that the UFO was a foreign manufactured drone. They speculate that the purpose of the drone was to provide command and control to the rioters. When Reeves shot it down the conspirators being unable to communicate abandoned the effort.

Reeves was awarded the Police Medal of Valor for his actions on that date.