If you spent any time around deer hunters or in a deer camp, then you know that the term is a double entendre. If you are not the hardy outdoors type, then you haven’t got a clue. Whether you want it or not I’m fixing to give you the low down on both types of buck snorts. Both occur naturally, but only one has a nexus to a buck.

Deer are herd animals in a matriarchal society. The bucks are run off from the herd once they reach sexual maturity. Think Mr Spock, he wanders around cool calm and collected for seven years at a time. On the seventh year, Spock goes fucking nuts and his balls threaten to explode if he doesn’t get laid. That’s kind of how bucks are. They lurk on the fringes of the herd making sure that everything is cool. If they perceive danger then they signal by snorting. When the deer hear the snort they run, no questions. I have had up to fifty pass by the house at a high rate of speed.

The second type of buck snort is a natural occurrence that occurs in an unnatural environment. It is almost invariably followed by the exclamation: “I thought I heard a buck snort!”  Youngsters and the perpetually naive are invited to inspect the area where the buck snort came from. There are no bucks. Chances are there are cigars, beer, whisky, and a wide variety of junk food. This buck snort does not usually trigger a stampede, people have been known to change seats. Eventually, the mystery is solved, no deer were involved, or harmed.

Last night I started a stampede. I was sitting on a hard plastic chair on the front porch watching the deer working away at the buffet that my father set out. He calls it landscaping with deer proof plants. If it was stuff they liked the buffet would be a dirt patch. I let loose with a deeply satisfying, haemorrhoid rattling fart that apparently was the right frequency, timbre, and duration that caused every deer in the yard to leave at a high rate of speed.                                                                                                                                                                                   They call me the Deer Whisperer.