President Kennedy planted the seed when he traveled to Berlin in 1962 and announced that he was a “Jelly Donut”.

Fifty-five years later that seed that President Kennedy planted is bearing deadly fruit. German authorities report that: 100-people-die-in-Germany-each-year-due-to-risky-sex-practices.

They attribute these deaths to a deviant sexual practice called autoerotic asphyxiation. Practitioners believe oxygen deprivation will result in a heightened orgasm. Typically, practitioners rig up fail-safe devices to prevent accidental suffocation. Done right, they report heightened sexual arousal and orgasm. Done wrong, and it is found they died coming and going at the same time. What distinguishes these people from other victims is the introduction of fruits, vegetables, and other food products into their routine.

According to Frankfurter Rundschau, a man in Hamburg who is believed to have suffered from an autoerotic death covered himself with sliced cheese, pulled pantyhose over his upper body, put on a raincoat and a diving suit and then sat down with a plastic bag over his head in front of a heater that was switched on. CIS Grilled Cheese.

I guess it is only fitting that John F Kennedy should be associated with some vaguely vegan sexual perversion. After all, Daddy Joe made sure that when the family was assembled for a meal, there was always a vegetable present, JFK’s sister Rosemary.