I went out to eat last night. My nephew came to town, that was as good an excuse as any. As we were leaving, I was confronted with an apparition. I watched the faces of other diners as he walked past. Then it struck me! Somebody once said that people look back and realize that from high school on it was all downhill. This guy found a way to go back to those good old high school days!

This thought didn’t occur in a flash. It was percolating for several days. It started when I found myself waiting at a red light. There on the corner was a guy on roller skates spinning a sign.

The thought entered my mind. What if this job represents the height of his ability? He’s a young guy. What if this job, at this moment is an indication of his fullest potential? The light changed and that was that.

Back to dinner. As I was walking out a dude walked in. He had a Yasser Arafat style beard (three days growth), brown hair in a page boy haircut with pink barrettes, a pair of store bought thirty-eight DD’s hidden beneath a white blouse with ruffles, a matching clutch purse and a mini skirt. His thighs were fat and couldn’t support the mini skirt. Did I mention that his hair line was receding? I guess it could be just me, but I think dudes suffering from male pattern baldness shouldn’t try to pass themselves off as a she.

I caught the eye of a threesome who were picking their jaws up off the table. I gotta be me I said, “I’ve woke up next to ugly before, but never like that.”

Off I went. The sign spinner put in an appearance, the quote about high school and finally the he/she crowded in. Stir once and the thought was complete.

Going back to the quote about high school days. We like to think about the good times, the positive things. Put things into context. Big fish small pond. Chances are the standout high school quarterback never made it off the bench in college. If he wants to get close to the NFL, he was to buy tickets like the rest of us. The high school homecoming queen rated a ten. She only rated a six in college. The national merit scholars, who needs to know past perfect participial after leaving high school? All these folks, from the spotlight of high school to obscurity. It doesn’t end there.

Other folks got recognized in high school. There’s the fat guy who wasn’t very smart, nor was he adept at sports. He was accompanied by his wingman. You know the scrawny guy with terminal acne and no coordination. He was the guy the football team stuffed in a locker. They were somebody in high school everybody knew who the sad sacks were.

High school is over. Ten years out of school athletic prowess doesn’t count for much. Any girl can be a ten as long as she puts out. Watch the commercials, Americans are overweight, suffering hair loss, have bad skin, bad breath and body odor. All the things that made the sad sacks, sad sacks are now the norm. How to relive the glory high school?

A half step is to announce that one is gay. But to achieve the full brunt of laughter, ridicule accompanied by cries of dumb shit, try on a pair of size twelve pumps, get some store-bought tits and announce that the new you is no longer an ugly man. Nope, now you are an ugly man posing as an ugly woman.

No matter how far one travels, it is impossible to outrun that inconvenient chromosome.