When Pigs Fly

Turkey airplane

What you are seeing is a Support Animal on an airplane. A support animal is in the eye of the beholder, they do not have to be trained. The airlines have to make reasonable accommodations for anybody providing proper documentation.

The animals get to fly free, sometimes with their own seat.  If the airline doesn’t play nice they can be fined.  If a passenger objects due to crowding or allergy issues, think an over booked flight, there will be another plane along for the objecting passenger.  “Honest Honey, I’m stuck in Houston, you see there was this turkey that needed my seat….”

There must be all sorts of controls on something like this right?  Here is an example of the form one airline requires: Support_Animal_Form_11-3-15.  What if you are a wackadoodle and don’t have a mental health professional?  Don’t worry in the proud traditions of shysters everywhere the crazed or merely deluded can opt for the On Line ProcessIn this process a trained mental health professional will happily speed you on your way, for a price.

There is something to be said for the old time family tradition of building a secret room to keep eccentric relatives in check.  Then again, if you can get them loaded on an airplane, they ain’t your problem.  

Needless to say the program is fraught with problems.  First off we are not talking about people with disabilities who are traveling with trained service animals.  The only requirement the airline can impose on a “companion support animal” is an assurance by a vet that the animal is theoretically capable of traveling for eight hours without crapping in the cabin. This is an expectation that the owner can’t meet. Why would we expect a higher level of performance from their animal? Every spoiled critter that rules the house with an iron fist suddenly has an airliner to command.

If you can’t fight em, join em.  I haven’t had a vacation in quite a while. I can’t afford one for myself, let alone a companion.  But this whole support animal, politically correct agenda has given me an idea.  I may be doing a whole lot of traveling in the near future.  Did I mention that support animals get to stay free at hotels? I am soliciting volunteers, the process may be a little involved so there is some lead time involved.

body-painting-6

The first step is to select a candidate that can advance the proposition that they are trans-species. If people get to choose their sex on a whim, why not their species?  The companion your maiden aunt traveled with for thirty-five years is called something else and had to pay.  I figure $75 bucks and a quart of cheap scotch and I should have my pick of mental health professionals to certify that what I will call the Accommodating Bimbo is not human.  If the Bimbo is not human than she is one step further towards being a support animal.  Two birds with one stone, another bottle of scotch and I’ll have my support animal certification, good for one year.  After that I just have to make sure she doesn’t tinkle on the floor. Maybe I’ll try Vegas.