The two greatest investigators that ever shit between investigator shoes are back! What follows are three stories of your betters in action. You know, folks that feel more deeply, can spot injustice at a mile, and are oh so virtuous. Such a burden!
At any rate, one story is satire while the others have been ripped from the headlines. Can you tell which is the joke?
Protesters Claim Victory After Blocking Customers From Chick-Fil-A For Entire Sunday April 8th, 2019
BUFFALO, NY—Facebook Chick-fil-A protest group Boycott Chick-fil-A claimed victory last Sunday after managing to keep all customers and employees from coming onto the premises of a local Chick-fil-A restaurant for the entire day. “Not one customer all day,” page administrator Byron Vega said in a Facebook post celebrating the victory. “The hate-peddlers are bleeding profits today thanks to your effort. Do you know what happens when giant corporations like Chick-fil-A don’t get a single customer for an entire day? They burn to the ground.”
Asked if the company had felt the loss, Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy responded, “What happened now?”
Boycott Chick-fil-A had already called for another boycott for the following Sunday, this time hoping it will go nationwide. “We proved that when real-life, grassroots protesters gather, they can affect real change. Now we call upon LGBTQIA activists across the nation to join us in a devastating protest next Sunday.“
“When we take away their Sunday profits, we have them right where we want them,” the page admin added triumphantly.
Vegan activist who ‘rescued’ 16 rabbits killed nearly 100 in the process
The activist, who calls herself ‘Mythical Mia’, claims she was attacked by an angry mob during the alleged rescue mission on a farm near Osono last Sunday.
According to Spanish newspaper La Vanguardia, five rabbits, which were pregnant and about to give birth, were killed during the chaos of the ‘rescue’ and several others were left with broken spines.
A number of the rabbits taken by Mia were said to have been pregnant or lactating, which meant that their offspring, around 90 bunnies, had to be euthenised after being abandoned, the paper states, referencing an assessment from a local vet.
The mother rabbits who survived but were left behind reportedly were forced to have abortions.
I guess a 100 bunnies didn’t die because the vet performed abortions. Everybody knows that, in a liberal world, abortions don’t kill.
Snowflake Alert: Writer Says Stop Wearing Red Hats Because They Trigger Her And Scare People
Is anyone else made really uncomfortable these days by anyone wearing any kind of red baseball cap? Like, I see one and my heart does weird shit and then I finally realize it only says Titleist or whatever. Maybe don’t wear red caps anymore, normal people?Rebecca Makkai , would be intellectual, almost Pulitizer Prize winner
Also, for the love of God: The clever folks wearing “Make America Read Again” or whatever caps — NO. You’re making everyone scared. Don’t do it.
Okay, I admit it. It was a trick question, all three stories are a joke. However, the first one appeared in the “Babylon Bee” blog, a satire site that “Snopes” takes seriously. The other two are actual events brought about by severely damaged individuals.
Look what the farmers made the rabbit killer do. It is the farmer’s fault that they engaged in a lawful activity. This caused our virtuous activist to commit burglary, resist arrest, destroy property and speed across the countryside at over 100 mph. She rescued 16 rabbits while killing a 100.
The almost Pulitzer Prize winner is afraid of red ball caps. Yeah, there’s an indication of mental stability. Too bad, on the Pulitizer, being an also ran is tough. Given her fears and the political climate these days, maybe she ought to emulate a real Pulitzer Prize winner, Ernest Hemingway. I’ve got a 12 gauge I’ll donate to the effort.