Thought I Heard a Buck Snort

Blazing Saddles

This just in from England. The World Pie Eating Championship has changed the menu for its pies. It is feared that red meat increases the probability that participants will fart. That is bad. I guess farting is unsportsmanlike conduct. Damn, all this time I thought farting was a competitive sport!

Cops, as a general rule, aren’t practiced in the social graces. Narcotics investigators regard violating social graces as a challenge.

A bread and butter enforcement tactic is called the “buy bust”. An undercover arranges to purchase a quantity of drugs from a crook. These deals generally take place in parking lots, occasionally in motel rooms. Once the transaction is consummated the undercover gives a signal and the jump out team grabs the bad guy. That is the simple explanation. You have probably seen a variation on the theme on “COPS”. Then there is the rest of the story, what you never see on TV.

Dope deals never take place on time. Whatever the appointed time is, everybody knows this is just a suggestion. Dopers travel on “doper time.” This means that if the deal happens at all, it will be twenty minutes to two hours later than agreed upon. This is fine for the undercover, he’s sitting in air conditioned car, got a cold beer and maybe a Big Mac.

The jump out team is close by, five to seven guys jammed into the back of a windowless van. No air conditioning and nothing to see. A variation on the theme is that the undercover is in a motel room, still got the cold beer and HBO. The jump out team is in a room next door.

Instead of five to seven guys the numbers have increased. There is a tech to monitor the surveillance equipment, a dog handler and his K-9. Chances are if the boss paid for two rooms then a substantial amount of money is involved. This means flash money borrowed from DEA or DPS. You don’t walk out of either agency with 50K without a stray agent or two as a door prize. You can get fourteen people into a motel room. No pizza, no cold beer and no HBO. Then the waiting begins.

Van or motel room it is gonna happen. The first fart hasn’t got a chance. Did I mention that narcs are competitive? One leads to another and another. It brings to mind an artillery duel without the whistling of projectiles overhead. You know it is bad when even the dope dog joins in! All you can do is hunker down. Hope you don’t shit on yourself in the effort to retaliate.

Wimps. The nature of competition is to take the playing field and conditions as you find it. I guess the sun has set on the British empire.

What would Tony do?