Nomination For A Hero Badge

Open mike, hell! Wait for the body cam to download. Some things never change. As one high level New York City Police officer put it years ago, “Where else can you get up in the morning, hungover, broke, horny and go to work. By the end of shift take care of all three.” This guy is going to get crucified because he got caught. It’s good to know that some police traditions are still being observed.

Call ’em what you will: badge bunnies, fender lizards, groupies’, or holster sniffers, the opportunity to knock off a piece of strange is ever present. There was a companion saying: The badge will get you pussy and the pussy will get your badge.” Some of my favorites:

Two Jim’s waitresses (a coffee shop in San Antonio) claimed to have given more SAPD officers blow jobs that the entire SAPD wives association combined. Nobody challenged their claim.

In the early 70’s a Central Texas Police Department took delivery of a patrol car equipped with a cage. At the time this was a new innovation. A short time later a patrolman working midnight shift failed to answer his radio. Fearing the worst the dispatcher turned out the entire police force, the Sheriff’s office, the Game Warden and a stray FBI agent. After several hours of searching the officer was found, naked, in the back seat with a girlfriend, also naked. Their clothes were neatly folded on the front seat. In the throes of passion one of them kicked the back door closed and there they sat, locked in the gage. Legend has it the officer that found them left them there until all of the searchers arrived on the scene.

A Dallas motorcycle cop stopped a young lady near the end of his shift. As he walked up to the car he watched as she unbuttoned her blouse and hiked up her skirt. As he made contact with her she went into a cute and cuddly routine. The officer inquired into the possibility that they might meet for drinks and then a quick trip to the No Tell Motel. Not only did she decline his kind offer but she demanded that his sergeant put in an appearance because she intended to file a complaint.

When she paused to catch her breath the officer responded, “I guess that means a blow job is totally out of the question?”

We had a female snitch that I called Miss Piggy. She thought she was gorgeous. In actuality she was gave new meaning to the term ugly. She worked as a midnight desk clerk at a seedy motel. She set up a meeting between an undercover. I’ll call the undercover officer Joe. He was supposed to meet a dope dealing Sheriff’s Deputy.

The office she worked in was surrounded by glass on three sides. She worked behind a chest high counter. Because a deputy was involved we had visual surveillance from multiple vantage points. Joe was also wearing a transmitter, so we could monitor the transaction. The transmitter had limited battery time so nobody was surprised when he announced that he was turning the transmitter off. Joe had taken up a position behind the chest high counter. Miss Piggy flitted about the office. She was often out of view of the watching officers.

Dope deals never take place at the appointed time. Dealers have their watches set to “doper time.” They might be twenty minutes late or an hour. Or they might not show up at all. The Deputy showed up, took one look at Joe and decided he didn’t want to be friends. It happens.

We waited a week and then trotted out a large breasted blond. This time Miss Piggy and the blonde were to meet the deputy at a restaurant. The blond did not turn off the transmitter. Miss Piggy revealed that the meeting between Joe and the deputy was a disappointment in more ways than one. According to Miss Piggy, in order to pass the time she tried to give Joe a blow job. However, he couldn’t get it up. I maintain that that is proof that Joe’s dick is smarter than he is.

The deputy met the blond and decided that he wanted to be her friend. During their first transaction he bragged that he was a sheriff’s deputy. He then displayed his badge and gun and the eightball of cocaine that he sold to her. The good news is he didn’t get booked into his own jail. The bad news is he ended up in a Federal holding facility. It’s not nice to bring a gun to a dope deal and display it during the transaction.

I don’t know where it happened. I don’t have specific information. But knowing cops like I do, I’m pretty sure the following scenario has happened. A disguised officer has an enthusiastic fender lizard bent over the hood of a patrol car. They are engaged in loud enthusiastic sex. The event is being captured on the patrol car dashcam. In fact, both wave and mug for the camera. The video is time date generated and can be tracked to a specific car. By checking car assignments it can be linked to a specific officer. In this case, the car is assigned to a Lieutenant or above. If it hasn’t happened, it will very shortly.

I don’t have a problem with the guy catching some days. He deserves a rip. But not for the reason you would think. He got laid on duty. Good for him! Call it police community relations. He deserves the suspension because he got caught. He has placed the police administration in the unenviable position of sanctioning an officer for sexual shenanigans they would have committed.

There is a story that has made the rounds for decades. TV has repeated it several times and placed in the context of several different police departments. I believe the story has its origins within NYPD and is likely true.

An NYPD Captain is visiting his mistress while on duty. He dies on the downstroke. The mistress gets dressed and informs his driver waiting in the car of the situation. Together, they return to the apartment and get the Captain dressed, drag him down stairs and get him into the car. The driver spends the next hour or so chasing hot calls. He finally finds a situation that seems to be ideal. Officers are engaged in a foot chase with a gun wielding suspect. The driver finds an alleyway along a probable escape route for the suspect. He pushes the deceased Captain out of the car and puts the Captain’s revolver into his dead hand.

The driver then calls in a 10-13. That’s NYPD for officer needs assistance. Backup arrives and discovers the Captain. It is obvious, the Captain and his driver joined the search for the suspect. The Captain entered the alley on foot. Maybe he confronted the suspect, maybe he didn’t. In either case he suffered, what turned out to be a fatal heart attack. He went out a hero. The family got full benefits and the Captain got a hell of a funeral.