Modest Proposal #612

What comes next?

I admit that one of the things that gets my attention is the irony of certain situations. The dichotomy between two similar acts and the entirely different results grabs me. Take the recent passing of Whitey Bulger. Funeral arrangements have not been announced, so I admit I am projecting based on past experience. One thing that organized crime loves is a funeral and elaborate memorials.

My guess is that a funeral and elaborate procession is an honor that only the lucky few in organized crime obtain. It is a validation that the dearly departed went out at the top of the profession. The alternative was an unmarked or watery grave, dismemberment is optional.

The mob is not likely to turn out for Whitey Bulger’s funeral. His brother Billy is a long time Massachusetts politician. This makes it likely that any event will be attended by Massachusetts politicians. Or in other words, criminals without the organization. 

A gaudy funeral requires an elaborate memorial. Here are some examples of memorials dedicated to organized crime figures or organized crime families.

 What a dichotomy. Organized crime bosses get elaborate send offs and memorials. Their victims get unmarked graves. I say it is time to level the playing field. Let’s start with Whitey.

Body Liquification Device

It starts by not giving the body back to the family. Call it contraband, hazardous waste or spite. There is a process called body liquification. Through a combination of heat, pressure and chemicals a body is reduced to an inert liquid sludge. What remains can then be flushed away into the sewer system.

Sewage Retention Pond

By all means, ship Whitey’s remains to Boston. It is fitting that he should be liquefied and flushed into the Boston sewer system. The people of Boston will then have the ability to piss on his grave, whenever the spirit moves them.